I have no idea how most single guys go about meeting women... at work, at bars or perhaps some other place that hasn't crossed my mind.  For myself, the "bar scene" isn't a possibility; I'm not comfortable in that sort of atmosphere, I don't drink, and I am not entirely convinced that's the place where I would meet the sort of girl I'd be interested in.  Certainly work would be a great candidate, since I'm there 8+ hours a day and it's a relaxed, friendly atmosphere.  Unfortunately, every last women I work with is married.

    I tried the Yahoo personals a couple years ago, and found it to be rather discouraging.  I experimented with a number of different profiles and approaches, some that seemed to work rather well as far as generating responses.  Unfortunately, the approaches that seemed to work always involved some dishonesty on my part, and so while they may have gotten a response, they would never lead very far beyond that.  Here, for example, is one of my pre-written "scripts" that seemed to fare the best (try not to get ill while reading it):

    I have sometimes wondered why this one little paragraph received more responses than anything else I ever wrote.  First off, it starts with a big ole exclamation point!  Exclamation points show intensity and excitement, so having one right at the start of the paragraph helps it start off with a bang.  It says "I'm interesting and fun, keep reading!!!!" 

    The first couple sentences are designed to break down any defensive barriers.  By stating right up front that I am a "sweet, attractive guy" and that I have many female friends, I am coming across as whatever it is that women look for in a guy without actually being specific about it.  I must have something that women want, apparently heaping amounts of whatever it is, since I am surrounded by them!  It also shows some self-confidence, which is certainly an attractive trait to women.  There is also a certain allure hidden in the first few lines... you might have to compete with the other women to get and keep my attention.  The use of what I call "cringe" words is always helpful too.  These are words like "sweet" or "cuddle" which you rarely find a man speaking, because it makes him cringe just to hear the word.

    All of this sets the stage for the "opportunity" step of the paragraph.  I've already established that I am this amazing Don Juan that all the women seem to love, so what chance could some girl on the Yahoo personals possibly have?  Well, the next sentence provides just that... because I just so happen to be looking for a girl I can have some fun with.  Of course, I later go on to explain that I am not some freak... in other words, I am not out for sex.  I am also not looking for a girlfriend, so there's nothing to be had but a good time.  Who knows what the reader might imagine that to mean... again, I am not specific.

    So how good did this paragraph really work?  I'd say I got a response rate of anywhere from 30 to 40 percent, which is pretty damn good for a single guy using internet personals.  The fact is, there are a ton of guys using them, and their mailboxes are largely empty.  It's the other way around for the women... they get spammed.  They can afford to be picky.

    The problem with this approach is that it is a bold-faced lie, and a bold-faced lie doesn't stand up to scrutiny for very long.  I got a few dates this way, and plenty of e-mail and phone calls.  But I never got beyond 3 dates, and it usually ended up with me being stood-up or told off or both. 

    Another approach I tried was to create a completely bogus profile that was so outlandish it couldn't possibly be taken seriously.  In fact, this one was so bogus, and so unattractive, that I imagined I couldn't possibly get any responses.  Meet Rico:

    Rico, his profile kindly informed any prospective dates, was recently released from prison.  He was apparently incarcerated for a bank robbery and attempted murder but, he assured the nice single girls, "I didn't do it."  Rico's interests included motorcycles, bar-hopping, shooting pool, picking up "hot chicks," and "a few other fun things I can't really write down here."  Although currently unemployed, Rico assured the reader that he was looking for a job and was a hard worker, but he was having a hard time because of his prison record.  "Doesn't matter though," wrote Rico.  "I got all the money I need."

    Oddly enough, someone like Rico would have faired well on the personals; he had a 10 to 20 percent response rate.  Most of those responding assumed it was a joke, and that the guy behind it must have a unique sense of humor.  Perhaps he did.

    Well, a couple years have gone by now.  I have, I'd like to think, done a bit of maturing.  "Perhaps," I thought to myself, "I can have  a better experience with the personals now."  I have learned from my past mistakes, and I took a completely different approach this time; I was honest.  I wrote up a profile of myself that painted a realistic picture of who I am.  I used an actual photo of myself, but a photo in which I looked my best.  I then began searching the profiles with a realistic set of expectations.  I am not looking for a supermodel.  I am not out for a one-night stand.  What I really want is to meet a level-headed girl with at least some shared interests, with whom I can become a friend first.  I don't care if she is overweight or underweight, too short or too tall, talks too fast or too much.  I don't care if she is just plain looking.  I don't care what size her breasts are, or how long her hair is.  Just so she is a real person that I can get along with. 

    I figured this was a pretty simple set of expectations, very realistic.  Surely with a bit of diligence I could meet at least one girl that I would hit it off with.  In fact, when I prepared my search criteria on Yahoo, I came up with 468 matches within 15 miles... not bad!  Over the course of a few weeks I e-mailed every one of these girls, after reading through their individual profiles.  I received in response a staggering 4 replies.

    FOUR!

    That's a response rate of 0.85 percent.

    Less than one percent!

    One girl responded to tell me that, because I was not serious enough about Jesus (my profile stated that I am spiritual, but not religious), she would not have any interest in even talking.  She at least responded though, telling me she didn't want to lead anyone on.

    Another girl sent a one word response: "Wow."  I wrote back: "Well, that sounds like a positive response!"  That was the sum total of our dialog though, I never heard anything back from her, so I have no idea what she actually meant by her one word reply.

    I exchanged a few e-mails with a third girl.  She seemed to show some interest in at least learning something more about me.  She visited my website, for example... after which I never heard from her again.  I at least got a laugh out of that... apparently my website was so disturbing that it was only logical to conclude that I am a madman or a psychopath.

     So what conclusions can I draw from these experiences?  Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the obvious... here's what I came up with:

1. The majority of women active in the internet personals are too picky, and tend to have unrealistic expectations.

    Their profiles don't always come across that way, but I have seen plenty that do; must make $150,000 a year or more, must be built like Arnold Schwarzenegger, must drive a vette, must be a highly proficient dancer, must love kids (because I have 4 of them).  And then you read their profile and discover they are unemployed, or make an average salary, list themselves as "having a few extra pounds," and apparently didn't want to post a photo of themselves.  On the other hand, there are the profiles that appear to be quite honest and realistic.  They post a photo, even though they are not beauty queens or supermodels (but how many women really are?); they readily admit that they are overweight (hey, this is America... half the country is overweight to some degree); they list their actual income or occupation (most of us are not CEO's, we work regular jobs).  They even go on to list realistic expectations about who they are looking for.  Then you e-mail them, and never hear a word.  468 times.

    The grass, as the saying goes, is always greener on the other side of the fence; and Mr. Perfect, apparently, is always in the next e-mail.

2. Honesty doesn't appear to count for squat.

    We live in a television culture, an entertainment culture.  We love actors and acting.  Some of us, God help you, actually develop outlooks based on these things.  I feel sorry for the young woman who has it in her head that she will meet a rich, single guy with hazel eyes, shoulder length jet black hair, and an athletic build, who is a marvelous dancer, knows "how to treat a woman" as if he were Don Juan, and will just jump at the chance to meet a girl on the Yahoo personals.  Let's be honest ladies, you have something like this in mind:

And you imagine him picking you up in something like this:

but the guys on the other side of those e-mails are more likely to look like this:

.

and they are probably driving something more like this:

So consider yourself lucky to find a guy that looks like something in between the two!  Frankly, if he claims to be all that you could ask for, chances are he's not being honest.  Take my word for it, I know from experience.

3. Women NEVER make the first move.

    Not once have I gotten an e-mail from a woman first.  Never.  I have always had to initiate the contact.

4. Women have a hard time saying YES.

    Any guy will attest to this little fact of life.  She sends all the right signals, is flirtatious even; maybe you chat for a while, a couple days, a couple weeks even; then you ask her out and she ignores you entirely or creates an excuse that leaves you bewildered and confused.  One of the greatest excuses I have ever received was "Oh, I have to walk the dog tonight."  How long does that take?  I wondered.  Is this dog preparing for a marathon?

    Well, in concluding all of this I would like to do something to help all the poor single girls out there.  I know there are plenty of them out there too, because I hear their complaints all the time as they wonder aloud to their girlfriends about how they can't seem to get a date or develop a steady relationship.  First of all, BE REALISTIC.  There are no "perfect men" out there.  With all the complaining that women do about men, you would think they have learned this by now.  But, while there may not be any perfect men, there are plenty of good ones; you just have to give them a chance.  Initiating contact with them would be a great first step... it's sure to get their attention, since it almost never happens.  And if you can't get up the nerve to do that, try saying YES when they ask YOU out.  You can't actually get a date unless you say yes!  And you will never find out if you are at all compatible unless you give the poor guy a shot.

    Despite the discouraging lack of response, I haven't given up yet!  I have since expanded my search radius to give even more single women a chance to ignore me.  Perhaps I am being too picky by limiting myself to a 15 mile radius, and if 25 miles doesn't work then maybe 100 will!  The way I see it, I will eventually have covered the whole state, possibly the whole country... the odds HAVE to be in my favor.  :P